I recently received three books I’d preordered from some of my favorite authors and immediately went on a reading binge, ignoring everything but the need to eat and go to the bathroom (my husband made me go to sleep, so I didn’t stay up late to finish any of the book). I have to admit, these are not high-brow literature. These are romance novels. Total escapism reading. To me, this is the dessert of the literary world. It’s sweet and fluffy and gone too quickly, but you can’t live off it.
Even though these are some of my favorite authors, I still find myself laughing at the absurdity of the romance genre in general. Here’s why:
Euphemisms. How many ways are there to say penis? Quite a few. My favorite comparison, though, is “it was like marble covered in velvet.” Why this is SO funny: I have a friend with a touch phobia. She hate (HATES) the feel of velvet. Makes her squeamish. But she has kids, so I guess it’s not really that much like velvet after all.
The sex is – let’s just admit it – completely unrealistic. I was talking to another friend recently, and we laughed that there’s never any mess! It’s all pristine rollercoasters and fireworks. But if you’ve ever read a more realistic take where there is a little mess, it’s kind of gross!
Hey, romance author, I know what you’re doing! We all read romance to analyze the psychology, right? Women want to be independent, but they also want to be loved and cherished and have a big, strong man with washboard abs who’s mean to everyone else in the whole world, except the one that he grudgingly admits that he loves, but probably not until she’s in mortal danger and he realizes he might lose her. Wow, ladies, we’re screwed up.
No one is ever really all that upset to get pregnant, even though it’s the 1600s and they aren’t married yet, and you know people are going to be counting backwards, including the king, who’s the bride’s uncle. I mean, she was a twenty-something virgin thirty pages ago, and they’ve had sex like nine times since then, and now they’re going to have a kid. I’d be a little disappointed it didn’t take more practice.
Thankfully I have a group of friends that are also voracious readers, so we can discuss romances too. But what do you do if you really want to tell someone how Bella finally escaped her tyrant uncle to run away with the Scot rebel, and you can’t find anyone who loves romance as much as you?
Because we love romance so much, February is 10% off romance novels for anyone who turns in their contract and deposit in February!